I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
