well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
