He uses pillows to masturbate.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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