I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
