the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
