my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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