Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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