White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
