So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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