oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
