well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
