I'm going to jail i love you
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
