you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
