I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
