he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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