I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
