I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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