you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
