sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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