did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
