I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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