I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
