I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
