3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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