I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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