I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
