so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
