I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
