When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
