You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
