Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
