Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
