We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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