Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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