Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
