its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
