I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
