I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
