I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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