this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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