theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize