I think i peed on brittanys purse
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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