Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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