Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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