I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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