Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
