Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
