The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
