But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
