my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
