If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I need to stop coming to work sober
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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