Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
