i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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